Imagine a world where Vince Carter was just a slasher with a slightly above average jumpshooter, and where Dr. J was known for his up and under layup - and nothing else. In this world, Dwight Howard's athleticism would provide him an advantage on the defensive end only, and his dunk titles would have been traded in for numerous more 30+ rebound games.
"But chicks dig rebounds, Hoops! What's wrong with that?"
Find me a chick who digs rebounds, and if she's pretty, she wouldn't be open for long. As long as we're talking the same kind of rebound. Also, yes, I just referred to myself as Hoops. Nothing wrong with a little shameless branding, right?
If you thought a little bit about the title of this entry, your first thought was probably that it was going to go down the lines of "White Men Can't Jump." Well, while a viable conclusion, and an easy thing to defer, the NCAA's ban on dunking from 1967-1976 was not incredibly white only because of the notion that (brace yourself if you're not a realist) white athletes in the NBA dunk significantly less than the majority African-American population of the league. Or because White People get dunked on more than they do the posterization.
The proof is in the pudding, white people. It ain't a good look.
Slam Dunk Prohibition was the Whitest Thing Of All-Time because only white people would take the most logical solution to a problem and ban it out of the sake of sportsmanship or gamesmanship.
Think about it. The quickest way from one point to another is a straight line. If your goal is to put a ball through a cylinder, would you rather loft it through from 18 ft. away, or throw it straight through the darn thing? Pretty mindless, right?
Not for white people!
Lew Alcindor had to be stopped. He was making the game too easy, because God had given him the physical gifts to make the game as such. What a monster.
Whatever, Wooden. Give me Shaq in a 3rd Grade Rec. League and I'll win, too.
Concentrating on the whiteness of it all, let's take a look at similar moments in Caucasian history that also took simple solutions and threw them out the window:
Freezing Bread - This is a light issue that hits close to home, but something I know white people do, which drives me crazy. What is the point of buying mass amounts of bread, or anything, so you can freeze it and save a trip to the store that is a few miles away? Or just because it's on sale? This is a logical solution if you live in Siberia or boarded Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 and have the means to, but it seems rather pointless if you live in a populated suburb with a car and a Wal-Mart within 5 minutes. Just go pick up the bread, mom! The crust gets hard when it thaws! Jeeze.
All Civil Rights Issues Ever - Wouldn't it just be easier to let every person do everything that other normal people do when they're of the age of proper maturity? Like the dunk, white people simply didn't care for the idea of equality, and still don't across the board. That was enough for them to ban both because they were in the majority and they wanted to have their way.
Holy Wars - Like the above case, white people have fought battles, literally killing one another because of differences in beliefs about where they go when...they die. Sure, that's oversimplifying the issue (though, that has been out the window for some time now), but like before, acceptance has always been easier and more logical. Accept the dunk with grace!
"Let me know when a dunk is worth three points" - Every Nonathletic White Guy Ever
The Electoral College - Though I'm a hypocrite and kind of still see the Electoral College as a logical solution, I'm not unreasonable to the point of realizing that in a nation that says it focuses on the freedom of individuals, recognizing the popular vote makes a wee bit more sense. If you give everyone a say, and take all of their "says" for what they're worth, that seems like the easiest solution. White people have other ideas.
For the sake of this becoming a political blog, I'll stop there, but you get it. If white people don't like to do something, all reasonable steps go out the window and jackassery ensues. Now THAT is a foolproof plan.
And it's okay, I can say this, I have white friends.